I'm Not Okay, I Promise
by TheFeaturedCreature
Summary: In the Tara Gillesbie style, I present my parody troll fic. Luce is a pureblood witch who has Kaname Kuran, Ichigo Kurosaki, and Vampire Potter fighting over her. It's a curse being beautiful.
1. Chapter 1

I'm Not Okay, I Promise

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Vampire Night, House of Night, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Fallen, Bleach, or Naruto._

_Author's Note: This is to all my reviewers who cheered me on as I almost died reading and commenting on 'My Immortal.' I love you all. Merry Christmas._

_This is a parody of troll-fics, and yes, I do support RukaXKaname, just not them having sex in a gas station._

Chapter One- Love In a Gas Station

My name is Lukia Sawson Raviin Elenore Lydia Dietz Charmicheal. But most of my friends just call me 'Luce', simply because I look like Luce, that bitch from Fallen. My hair is black and impossibly long and curls at the ends. My eyes are an interesting shade of blue and red. I'm a vampire-witch, but most people in the sleepy town of Hogmead calls us vitches. Which is why Mr. Cross has become the headmaster of Hogwarts since Dumbledore got shot in the face last summer by Count Olaf.

I was at the gas station, making out with Ichigo Kurosaki, out tongues intertwined. We were always like this. We enjoyed watching people at the gas station. Once, we saw Rukia making out with Chad and Renji. At once.

But tonight we saw too much. We had to call the police. Ichigo was getting a hot dog from the AM/PM near Hogwarts, and I was listening to Emilie Autumn's 'Gentlemen Aren't Nice'. Then I noticed it.

Kaname's fingers intertwined in Ruka's weird coloured hair. She looked like she was in pain. Then I saw everything. Kaname taking off his shirt and Ruka yelling in pain. Ruka was being soul reaped. Nah, just kidding, she was making love to darling Kaname. And Kaname was mine. I loved him since who knew when.

"BITCH!" I screamed. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF KANAME! HE'S MINE!"

"Luce?" Kaname said, pushing a naked Ruka away. Ruka began crying tears of blood. "Luce, I love you!"

"WHAT?" Ichigo yelled, punching Kaname in the face. "That's my bitch!" Ruka crawled into a hole and looked at me with those eyes so full of hate and love at me.

"I wish I could be like you," Ruka whispered. "You're so beautiful and perfect."

"Yeah, you're right," I replied. I stared at Kaname and Ichigo, who were stabbing and biting each other. I felt pleasure when men fought for me.

_PLEASE FLAME! :D_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two- Cool Like That

I woke up the next day. My best friend-and roommate- Violet Baudelaire, stared at me.

"What the fuck happened last night?" I asked.

"Ichigo and Kaname broke each other's jaws and Ruka thinks she's pregnant," Violet replied, busy inventing something.

"Ruka's a whore. I hope she gives birth to Renesmee." Just at that moment, Hermoine entered the room. She was wearing her robe and smiled at us. I disliked Hermoine. She studied too much. She should have been drinking cognac and making love to random guys like Violet and I did.

"Luce," Violet said. "Are you in love with Kaname?"

"Fuck no!" I said. "Why would I? He's fun to screw with, but he's boring-as-shit in real life."

"Remember when you dated Alucard?" Hermoine asked. "You two were so cute together!" I looked at Hermoine, my eyes going red. Hermoine hid behind Violet. "I'll shut up now."

I put on my Abercrombie sweatshirt and my short shorts.

"I want to bleach my hair blonde," I told Violet. Hermoine threw me a copy of Bleach. I was going to kill that bitch if it was the last thing I did.

"Hey," Hermoine said. "Do you want to go see Harry naked?"

"Eww!" I yelled. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Because you like guys?"

"Shut the fuck up, Hermoine."

"GUYS!" Yuki Cross, that other stupid bitch, yelled. "Chad has commited suicide by slitting his wrists!"

Violet, Hermoine, and I yelled at the same time. "NOT CHAD!"

_Chad is rolling in his grave, Alucard just commited suicide, and I just think Hermoine jumped off a cliff :D Please flame!_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three- Come at Me, Bro

There are two things that violate the cool rule. And one is Bro 'Dirk' Strider. Fuck that fucking bastard. Apparently, that stupid fucking bastard _killed_ Chad. Ya know, that really strong dude from _Bleach_ that can lift fucking telephone poles? Aha, that dude.

So how could a blonde fuckass kill Chad?

"We should call Poirot!" Violet said.

"We shuld call Miss Marple!" Hermoine yelled.

"Shut your face, you little bitches!" I yelled, punching Hermoine in the ovaries. Dumbledore came in, his robe full of cocaine, or some shit like that.

"What have you done, Dirk Strider?" Dirk stopped picking his nose and looked at Dumbledore. Suddenly, he stabbed Dumbledore.

**"WAIT!" Roxy Rex screamed. "Wasn't Dumbledore supposed to be dead in the first chapter?**

**Nettie Anderson, a blonde girl, sighed. "Oh, yeah. Oh, well, let's be trolls and bring the asshat back to life."**

**"Just to kill him again?" Roxy asked, raising a black eyebrow. Nettie nodded.**

He stabbed Dumbledore with the Brony wand. And then Mikey, some douchebag faun brony, came in and died, too.

"WHAT THE HELL?" I yelled. "YOU FUCKING ANGINA!" Dirk stared at me, his lava colored eyes looking sexy and sensitive. I wanted to kiss him right then and there. And I knew he was mine.

"Such a shame Dirk's gay," Hermoine said. "By the way, we called Poirot." And suddenly, a small man with a mustache came in. I wanted to fuck that guy as soon as I saw him.

"Miss Luce!" Poirot exclaimed, his French accent sounding as delicious as Hershey's bars in tartar sauce. "Allow me to explain what happened to Chad. You see, he and his teammates were all doing steroids, and Couch Dirk must have found out, and he killed... you are so beautiful, Luce. Your virginity radiates off of you."

"Thank you." Then that kid from ASDF movie came in and said.

"I LIKE TRAINS."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


End file.
